Puerto Vallarta, MEXICO a/k/a Thanksgiving Dinner

Hola my petit, blue agave plants! I know, I know you’ve all been missing me. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to update till now but I had some catch up at work and at home and my free time is scarce this time of the year. But I miss all of you, yes even the ugly people too. So let me tell you of this fantastic vacation I recently finished.

Saturday – (day of travel) Mr. Adam & I woke around 4:30am to shower and get ourselves ready for our 5:30am pickup to got JFK airport. This pickup was not only for Adam & myself but also Evan & Jeffrey. There were going to be a total of 6 of us in Mexico together. Not my favorite airport, but what can one do? Delta was going to take me on an $800 flight to paradise. Now mind you, I’m a very nervous flyer. It really gives me stress. Between the airport security which was terrible. The people at Delta, although trying, really need to pull it together. Like almost any other place with bad customer service, if I were their boss – they’d be fired. Maybe that was my stress talking, but really – why was it when I was teen with my first job. I was trained to respect the customer and work with some sort of sense of urgency. These two simple tasks are missing in today's retail & customer service employees. Fire the whole bunch of bastards! Moving along…, we made it through the huge Disney World-like line that my people call security. Well, that let up some stress. We met Scott (another travel companion) on the other side of Security. Then I took my Xanax – this prescription that my doctor gave me to fly is ok, but I think next time I’ll need two. It only takes the edge off, and I need sedation lately as I don’t trust anything man made. We took off on time with me in my aisle seat. The flight was packed and we had hours to go. Luckily the jet was an old Song (Delta) plane and we had little television screens on the headrest in front of each of us. I played an hour long game of trivia against others on the flight. I decided against a movie as my attention span wasn’t in shape for that. So I watched the Food Network instead until I got hungry. Finally we landed in Puerto Vallarta, made it through customs and baggage pickup. Suddenly as we exited the airport, the heat hit me. Oh sweet merciful Lord… tropical weather. Evan, Adam & myself jumped into a cab and went straight to the Villa we rented “Casa Do Re Mi.” Upon entering we were greeted by Ivan our houseman for the week. He had margaritas ready for us and I eagerly took my first of MANY that week. We then toured the villa and its grounds. Absolutely lovely. Casa Do Re Mi had 3 bedrooms all alike in size and amenities, a large living room area, a dining room, a dining balcony, a downstairs living room with a bar, and a sizeable poolside. We also had a fully stocked refrigerator with bottled water, Corona beer (bottles) & Dos Equis beer (cans). I don’t even know if we touched the beer. I know I didn’t, but I was thrilled. My rest and relaxation had begun. Later on Scott & Jeffrey joined us as they rented a car at the airport for the week. Margaritas for everyone! Our sixth guest (Karen, Scott’s sister) in the house wasn’t arriving until later that evening. After unpacking (because I’m anal retentive like that) – we had a fabulous dinner and I passed out on the sofa. This was a sign, a sign I would see several times throughout the week indicating how desperately I needed sleep. Karen arrived later.

SUNDAY – I woke before sunrise and sat up on the balcony and had quiet time. I love quiet time. Just me (well awake) in a big villa with my book and the dark ocean view. I watched the cruise ships entering the harbor and wished life could be more like this than the NYC rat race. Sadly, my wishes are just that. Oh why wasn’t I born a Hilton? The sun came up and with the sun came the beasts, birds & butterflies. Noises from the jungle surrounding this house on the side of a huge hill. The birds were so colorful (and loud). They were green, bright yellow, blue & red. Wild turkeys were around and I swear some sort of flying squirrel. The cute little geckos were scurrying and the house was waking. Now, we didn’t have our servants the first day as they have Sunday’s off. So we had to go fend for ourselves for the day. We found a great little restaurant on the beach near us. We sat at a table and looked at the gorgeous water. The food was fresh and excellent. After lunch we retired back to the pool and remained there until dinner time. For dinner we went to Hacienda San Angel. Oh my God. It was fantastic! This place was Richard Burton’s home after he filmed “Night of the Iguana.” It’s now a bed & breakfast as well as a restaurant. The restaurant only takes 20 tables a night. We were one of them. And it was great. We were received and given cocktails and told we could tour the home until the table was ready. Truly, you would have to see this in person. I fully support it too. The bed & breakfast is perfect for a honeymoon. So very, very nice and delicious. This style of eating was nothing like America – our dinner took hours and I enjoyed every minute. I had a lovely shrimp & coconut cream soup and al pastor shrimp brochette not to mention a few margaritas. For dessert I had a fabulous warm chocolate cake. We taxied back to the villa and I needed to retire to my bed. Sadly, I ate so much that my body rejected the food and in the middle of the night I got very ill and vomited it all up in the toilette. I’m such a classy lad. Isn’t it sad that while I’m being ill and poor Mr. Adam didn’t know what to do with me I’m thinking “now all those calories are gone”

MONDAY – Once again I was up before the sun and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Our cook & maid arrived around 8am just after the birds. Ah the smell of bacon in the morning! (I would later learn that the bacon didn’t agree with me as it consistently gave me heartburn every day that I ate it.) In general our breakfasts were pancakes or French toast; plus bacon, scrambled eggs, granola, fresh cut fruit, tortillas & fresh squeezed orange juice (and yes – they squeezed it at the villa). By the end, I was doing only fruit and granola. Next I retired to poolside for some serious tanning and to await our 3pm appointment with masseuses that were coming to us. Three masseuses, three bedrooms. Mr. Adam first, then me. After that, we relaxed poolside while Ivan (our houseman) served us banana daiquiris. Dinner was at 8 and our cook prepared a traditional Mexican dinner.

TUESDAY – As usual I was up before the sun and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Breakfast was served. Evan, Scott, Karen & I decided we were going to go to the beach (Playa de los Muertos) and catch some rays. We went to the gay beach called Blue Chairs. If anyone has ever been its not really a lovely beach, the water is refreshing, but not clear. The attraction lies that everyone gets a “blue chair” and a waiter. So I had a piňa colada. The men there ranged from “hot and should be in a Speedo” to “no Speedo for you and cover that up.” Jeffrey & Mr. Adam met up with us later as they were in town on their way to lunch. I decided to be risqué and get a henna tattoo on the back of my neck. I’m so rebellious. Mr. Adam hated it. Tuesday night the cook made a lovely garlic shrimp dish. Sadly, I drank a tad too much before dinner and didn’t have much of an appetite. After dinner I passed out. Oh I’m such a disgrace to my fellow gays for I am a very lightweight drinker.

WEDNESDAY – Well, I was up before the sun only starving this time. I greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Today I was determined to work out and the opportunity was there. I joined Jeffery & Scott on their trip to the Westin resort to play tennis. I wanted to use their gym. And I did, and it was $20, and I loved it. It felt good to move again. Funny, as much as I hate all the time the gym steals from my life. I really do feel better when I go. Not to mention they had the most awesome locker room. I got a great shower & steam. I adore steam rooms. I’m not so big on saunas. Upon returning to the villa I joined Mr. Adam and the rest by the pool. God I love the sun. Of course per usual Ivan served us Strawberry Margaritas by the pool with some fresh nachos & guacamole. Happy hour at home is a good thing. Martha would be proud. Then we had “carne asada” for dinner.

THURSDAY – (Thanksgiving Day) Of course I woke early, blah blah blah. Then Scott, Evan, Karen & I went for a walk up the hill we were on. Oh good Lord no one warned me it would be so high and so steep. How do people live on sides of hills? The views are spectacular, but it seems so dangerous to me. Upon returning from our morning hike we had for breakfast Chilaquiles which basically is scrambled eggs, veggies & tortillas baked casserole style. Very good. After the cook, maid & houseman finished with our breakfast we gave them the rest of the day off as we were going to a fabulous restaurant for dinner. The rest of the day was spent by the pool. Actually that day I was in the pool most of the day. I love the hot sun with the water. When dinner came we had a few Cosmos thanks to Jeffery and went off to Vista Grill for Thanksgiving Dinner. Now the cool thing about this restaurant is you had a choice of two menus from two different chefs, not to mention the awesome view. Damn I really, really like this restaurant. I had a great dinner with great drinks & desserts. After another very long dining experience we went into town to one of the many gay bars for a few martinis. Then back to the house where I went to bed with a stomach ache. There’s a trend here….notice? This was about the time I started to want to eat clean again. Small meals where I could control how it was prepared. I wasn’t drinking too much soda as I usually drink diet Coke & diet Pepsi; but in Mexico they don’t have it. They have Coke Light & Pepsi Light – which is the Splenda version. Far, far too sweet for me. Oh for a chicken caesar salad (no croutons) and some Crystal Light!

FRIDAY – Per usual I was up before the sun and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Breakfast was served. First we went shopping in town, but most of the shops sold either crap or tequila. Then we spent the remainder of the day by the pool. It was very relaxing. Of course by this time I was thinking. “I need to pack, this is almost over.” So sad. The sun caressed my golden skin and the water of the pool was lovely. At 3pm the masseurs arrived again for a rub down. This time a whole new crew from Monday and they were handsome men. I was very happy. This was a great massage. I would rate it one of the top three I’ve ever had. Our (Mr. Adam & myself) masseuse was from the Blue Chairs (gay beach resort). And he rubbed me in places only my lovers know of. And no I don’t mean a “happy ending massage.” I was so relaxed that by the time I spilled back out onto the pool area. I was ready for my 6pm cocktail. Today I wanted a traditional margarita – extra salt. And oh it was good. The cook prepared a lovely farewell dinner ‘chicken cordon bleu’ – Mexican style. It was very good. Our dessert that night consisted of various desserts that had been prepared throughout the week with vanilla ice cream. First off, let me tell you about ice cream. I love it and I’m somewhat of a connoisseur of ice cream. Mexican ice cream is only ok. It’s very heavy with sugar but not in a rich way. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it definitely tastes different. I prefer American fat filled ice cream. But I was on vacation and had flan, chocolate cake, pecan chocolate tart and other various desserts to dive into. Oh and I did.

SATURDAY – (departure day) So with a heavy heart I woke before sunrise and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. I could tell the cruise ships were sad I wouldn’t be seeing them again, and the birds though singing were mournful of my departure. I stood on the balcony and beckoned them to continue with their regular day and not mourn for my return to real life. With a weeping soul and a deep sigh, I took in my last sunrise overlooking the bay. Breathtaking. Breakfast was served. Immediately after we finished breakfast; I went to Mr. Adam's & my room to shower, dress and pack. Quite easily I might add. Then we began what would become an entire day of waiting. Evan, Mr. Adam & I waited for the taxi to come pick us up. Then we met Jeffrey & Scott at the airport, as they had to drop of the rented car. Once together at the airport we waited in line to have our bags searched, then we got our boarding passes, then we went through security. Lines, lines & more lines. Once in the terminal we had a lunch and waited for our flight to board. It was running behind schedule and now we wouldn’t be in NYC until after 10pm. Oh what a long day! This flight felt like it would never end. I was tired and the only good thing that happened on the plane was another gay man ripped some mother a new asshole because she couldn’t control her kid. Now I’m not talking a toddler either, this kid had to be 7 or 8 years old. Little shit. Apparently the kid kept hitting the back of this arbitrary gay’s headrest. And apparently he spoke to the mother of the boy twice asking her to make him stop. Well, she did nothing and soon – big yelling scene right there in row 30. I applauded and motioned that we toss the kid out of the escape row hatch. Sadly I was voted down. The kid stayed, but now his mother is aware that her kid is a complete total asshole as well as herself. Why do people bring children on expensive vacations? Why? Especially Puerto Vallarta which, if you didn’t know, is like a Mexican Provincetown. It’s so gay I felt butch. I wish there was a child free airline or at least child free flights.

Overall, I would have to say that this trip was great. I loved the company Mr. Adam & I had. I loved the restaurants we went to. The staff at Casa Do Re Mi was accommodating and kind. But most of all I was glad to get away and enjoy some serious sunshine. I deserved it. My stomach was happy to soon be eating clean again and rated the trip with 1 vomit & 2 stomach aches. Now I’m back in NYC and the Christmas season is smacking me upside the head. Here I go back in to reality.

Sigh.