Puerto Vallarta, MEXICO a/k/a Thanksgiving Dinner

Hola my petit, blue agave plants! I know, I know you’ve all been missing me. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to update till now but I had some catch up at work and at home and my free time is scarce this time of the year. But I miss all of you, yes even the ugly people too. So let me tell you of this fantastic vacation I recently finished.

Saturday – (day of travel) Mr. Adam & I woke around 4:30am to shower and get ourselves ready for our 5:30am pickup to got JFK airport. This pickup was not only for Adam & myself but also Evan & Jeffrey. There were going to be a total of 6 of us in Mexico together. Not my favorite airport, but what can one do? Delta was going to take me on an $800 flight to paradise. Now mind you, I’m a very nervous flyer. It really gives me stress. Between the airport security which was terrible. The people at Delta, although trying, really need to pull it together. Like almost any other place with bad customer service, if I were their boss – they’d be fired. Maybe that was my stress talking, but really – why was it when I was teen with my first job. I was trained to respect the customer and work with some sort of sense of urgency. These two simple tasks are missing in today's retail & customer service employees. Fire the whole bunch of bastards! Moving along…, we made it through the huge Disney World-like line that my people call security. Well, that let up some stress. We met Scott (another travel companion) on the other side of Security. Then I took my Xanax – this prescription that my doctor gave me to fly is ok, but I think next time I’ll need two. It only takes the edge off, and I need sedation lately as I don’t trust anything man made. We took off on time with me in my aisle seat. The flight was packed and we had hours to go. Luckily the jet was an old Song (Delta) plane and we had little television screens on the headrest in front of each of us. I played an hour long game of trivia against others on the flight. I decided against a movie as my attention span wasn’t in shape for that. So I watched the Food Network instead until I got hungry. Finally we landed in Puerto Vallarta, made it through customs and baggage pickup. Suddenly as we exited the airport, the heat hit me. Oh sweet merciful Lord… tropical weather. Evan, Adam & myself jumped into a cab and went straight to the Villa we rented “Casa Do Re Mi.” Upon entering we were greeted by Ivan our houseman for the week. He had margaritas ready for us and I eagerly took my first of MANY that week. We then toured the villa and its grounds. Absolutely lovely. Casa Do Re Mi had 3 bedrooms all alike in size and amenities, a large living room area, a dining room, a dining balcony, a downstairs living room with a bar, and a sizeable poolside. We also had a fully stocked refrigerator with bottled water, Corona beer (bottles) & Dos Equis beer (cans). I don’t even know if we touched the beer. I know I didn’t, but I was thrilled. My rest and relaxation had begun. Later on Scott & Jeffrey joined us as they rented a car at the airport for the week. Margaritas for everyone! Our sixth guest (Karen, Scott’s sister) in the house wasn’t arriving until later that evening. After unpacking (because I’m anal retentive like that) – we had a fabulous dinner and I passed out on the sofa. This was a sign, a sign I would see several times throughout the week indicating how desperately I needed sleep. Karen arrived later.

SUNDAY – I woke before sunrise and sat up on the balcony and had quiet time. I love quiet time. Just me (well awake) in a big villa with my book and the dark ocean view. I watched the cruise ships entering the harbor and wished life could be more like this than the NYC rat race. Sadly, my wishes are just that. Oh why wasn’t I born a Hilton? The sun came up and with the sun came the beasts, birds & butterflies. Noises from the jungle surrounding this house on the side of a huge hill. The birds were so colorful (and loud). They were green, bright yellow, blue & red. Wild turkeys were around and I swear some sort of flying squirrel. The cute little geckos were scurrying and the house was waking. Now, we didn’t have our servants the first day as they have Sunday’s off. So we had to go fend for ourselves for the day. We found a great little restaurant on the beach near us. We sat at a table and looked at the gorgeous water. The food was fresh and excellent. After lunch we retired back to the pool and remained there until dinner time. For dinner we went to Hacienda San Angel. Oh my God. It was fantastic! This place was Richard Burton’s home after he filmed “Night of the Iguana.” It’s now a bed & breakfast as well as a restaurant. The restaurant only takes 20 tables a night. We were one of them. And it was great. We were received and given cocktails and told we could tour the home until the table was ready. Truly, you would have to see this in person. I fully support it too. The bed & breakfast is perfect for a honeymoon. So very, very nice and delicious. This style of eating was nothing like America – our dinner took hours and I enjoyed every minute. I had a lovely shrimp & coconut cream soup and al pastor shrimp brochette not to mention a few margaritas. For dessert I had a fabulous warm chocolate cake. We taxied back to the villa and I needed to retire to my bed. Sadly, I ate so much that my body rejected the food and in the middle of the night I got very ill and vomited it all up in the toilette. I’m such a classy lad. Isn’t it sad that while I’m being ill and poor Mr. Adam didn’t know what to do with me I’m thinking “now all those calories are gone”

MONDAY – Once again I was up before the sun and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Our cook & maid arrived around 8am just after the birds. Ah the smell of bacon in the morning! (I would later learn that the bacon didn’t agree with me as it consistently gave me heartburn every day that I ate it.) In general our breakfasts were pancakes or French toast; plus bacon, scrambled eggs, granola, fresh cut fruit, tortillas & fresh squeezed orange juice (and yes – they squeezed it at the villa). By the end, I was doing only fruit and granola. Next I retired to poolside for some serious tanning and to await our 3pm appointment with masseuses that were coming to us. Three masseuses, three bedrooms. Mr. Adam first, then me. After that, we relaxed poolside while Ivan (our houseman) served us banana daiquiris. Dinner was at 8 and our cook prepared a traditional Mexican dinner.

TUESDAY – As usual I was up before the sun and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Breakfast was served. Evan, Scott, Karen & I decided we were going to go to the beach (Playa de los Muertos) and catch some rays. We went to the gay beach called Blue Chairs. If anyone has ever been its not really a lovely beach, the water is refreshing, but not clear. The attraction lies that everyone gets a “blue chair” and a waiter. So I had a piňa colada. The men there ranged from “hot and should be in a Speedo” to “no Speedo for you and cover that up.” Jeffrey & Mr. Adam met up with us later as they were in town on their way to lunch. I decided to be risqué and get a henna tattoo on the back of my neck. I’m so rebellious. Mr. Adam hated it. Tuesday night the cook made a lovely garlic shrimp dish. Sadly, I drank a tad too much before dinner and didn’t have much of an appetite. After dinner I passed out. Oh I’m such a disgrace to my fellow gays for I am a very lightweight drinker.

WEDNESDAY – Well, I was up before the sun only starving this time. I greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Today I was determined to work out and the opportunity was there. I joined Jeffery & Scott on their trip to the Westin resort to play tennis. I wanted to use their gym. And I did, and it was $20, and I loved it. It felt good to move again. Funny, as much as I hate all the time the gym steals from my life. I really do feel better when I go. Not to mention they had the most awesome locker room. I got a great shower & steam. I adore steam rooms. I’m not so big on saunas. Upon returning to the villa I joined Mr. Adam and the rest by the pool. God I love the sun. Of course per usual Ivan served us Strawberry Margaritas by the pool with some fresh nachos & guacamole. Happy hour at home is a good thing. Martha would be proud. Then we had “carne asada” for dinner.

THURSDAY – (Thanksgiving Day) Of course I woke early, blah blah blah. Then Scott, Evan, Karen & I went for a walk up the hill we were on. Oh good Lord no one warned me it would be so high and so steep. How do people live on sides of hills? The views are spectacular, but it seems so dangerous to me. Upon returning from our morning hike we had for breakfast Chilaquiles which basically is scrambled eggs, veggies & tortillas baked casserole style. Very good. After the cook, maid & houseman finished with our breakfast we gave them the rest of the day off as we were going to a fabulous restaurant for dinner. The rest of the day was spent by the pool. Actually that day I was in the pool most of the day. I love the hot sun with the water. When dinner came we had a few Cosmos thanks to Jeffery and went off to Vista Grill for Thanksgiving Dinner. Now the cool thing about this restaurant is you had a choice of two menus from two different chefs, not to mention the awesome view. Damn I really, really like this restaurant. I had a great dinner with great drinks & desserts. After another very long dining experience we went into town to one of the many gay bars for a few martinis. Then back to the house where I went to bed with a stomach ache. There’s a trend here….notice? This was about the time I started to want to eat clean again. Small meals where I could control how it was prepared. I wasn’t drinking too much soda as I usually drink diet Coke & diet Pepsi; but in Mexico they don’t have it. They have Coke Light & Pepsi Light – which is the Splenda version. Far, far too sweet for me. Oh for a chicken caesar salad (no croutons) and some Crystal Light!

FRIDAY – Per usual I was up before the sun and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. Breakfast was served. First we went shopping in town, but most of the shops sold either crap or tequila. Then we spent the remainder of the day by the pool. It was very relaxing. Of course by this time I was thinking. “I need to pack, this is almost over.” So sad. The sun caressed my golden skin and the water of the pool was lovely. At 3pm the masseurs arrived again for a rub down. This time a whole new crew from Monday and they were handsome men. I was very happy. This was a great massage. I would rate it one of the top three I’ve ever had. Our (Mr. Adam & myself) masseuse was from the Blue Chairs (gay beach resort). And he rubbed me in places only my lovers know of. And no I don’t mean a “happy ending massage.” I was so relaxed that by the time I spilled back out onto the pool area. I was ready for my 6pm cocktail. Today I wanted a traditional margarita – extra salt. And oh it was good. The cook prepared a lovely farewell dinner ‘chicken cordon bleu’ – Mexican style. It was very good. Our dessert that night consisted of various desserts that had been prepared throughout the week with vanilla ice cream. First off, let me tell you about ice cream. I love it and I’m somewhat of a connoisseur of ice cream. Mexican ice cream is only ok. It’s very heavy with sugar but not in a rich way. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it definitely tastes different. I prefer American fat filled ice cream. But I was on vacation and had flan, chocolate cake, pecan chocolate tart and other various desserts to dive into. Oh and I did.

SATURDAY – (departure day) So with a heavy heart I woke before sunrise and greeted the cruise ships, birds, butterflies & jungle creatures. I could tell the cruise ships were sad I wouldn’t be seeing them again, and the birds though singing were mournful of my departure. I stood on the balcony and beckoned them to continue with their regular day and not mourn for my return to real life. With a weeping soul and a deep sigh, I took in my last sunrise overlooking the bay. Breathtaking. Breakfast was served. Immediately after we finished breakfast; I went to Mr. Adam's & my room to shower, dress and pack. Quite easily I might add. Then we began what would become an entire day of waiting. Evan, Mr. Adam & I waited for the taxi to come pick us up. Then we met Jeffrey & Scott at the airport, as they had to drop of the rented car. Once together at the airport we waited in line to have our bags searched, then we got our boarding passes, then we went through security. Lines, lines & more lines. Once in the terminal we had a lunch and waited for our flight to board. It was running behind schedule and now we wouldn’t be in NYC until after 10pm. Oh what a long day! This flight felt like it would never end. I was tired and the only good thing that happened on the plane was another gay man ripped some mother a new asshole because she couldn’t control her kid. Now I’m not talking a toddler either, this kid had to be 7 or 8 years old. Little shit. Apparently the kid kept hitting the back of this arbitrary gay’s headrest. And apparently he spoke to the mother of the boy twice asking her to make him stop. Well, she did nothing and soon – big yelling scene right there in row 30. I applauded and motioned that we toss the kid out of the escape row hatch. Sadly I was voted down. The kid stayed, but now his mother is aware that her kid is a complete total asshole as well as herself. Why do people bring children on expensive vacations? Why? Especially Puerto Vallarta which, if you didn’t know, is like a Mexican Provincetown. It’s so gay I felt butch. I wish there was a child free airline or at least child free flights.

Overall, I would have to say that this trip was great. I loved the company Mr. Adam & I had. I loved the restaurants we went to. The staff at Casa Do Re Mi was accommodating and kind. But most of all I was glad to get away and enjoy some serious sunshine. I deserved it. My stomach was happy to soon be eating clean again and rated the trip with 1 vomit & 2 stomach aches. Now I’m back in NYC and the Christmas season is smacking me upside the head. Here I go back in to reality.

Sigh.

Bon Voyage! (Puerto Vallarta)

Oh boy! A big fun vacation to Mexico! But again my dear friends, I must fly for a long time! Aye yai yai. I've got my pills - they only help a little. I do SO hope that there wont be any annoying children near me. It's the first thing I look for when I board a flight. I seek out the children. "Why?" - you may ask. Well, I don't want them crying, screaming, having a tantrum or kicking the back of my seat. I come from a long line of "children should be seen, and not heard"; and I don't mind saying - I do feel that way. Either way, they would only stress me out more in my quest not to be up in the air. So until later, I'll be having margaritas poolside in the villa we rented. "Adios!" - I'm so continental

PREDATOR

OK kids, gather round, I've got to tell you about this book I've finished. Predator by Patricia Cornwell. This book is so mediocre that my head hurts from the overzealous writing of Ms. Cornwell. She has so many characters that sometimes it's difficult to keep track of all of them. Some of them are fleshed out nicely while others seem totally manufactured. Over all, I found that I forced myself to finish the book. This book is not the thriller it promises to be. If I had to grade this book it would get a C-. That's the best I can give this. Luckily I read quickly and I had nothing else to read at the time so I did finish this faux "Silence of the Lambs." style book. And I use the word style loosely. Although not as loose as some of my friends. You know who you are... Overall, this book should be left on the shelf. Sorry Ms. Cornwell, although I appreciate the amount of work you may/may not have put into this book. I can't help but feel I could even do better. Me a writer? Insane.

THE DEPARTED

This same past weekend I took Mr. Adam to go see The Departed. I really enjoyed it. Of course you know it's star studded. And I absolutely love that Alec Baldwin was in it. He's awesome. I love him in everything. I know, I know he's got one of the smaller roles in this Martin Scorsese film. But I just love him; I'm a fan. Regardless, the movie is (as you may already know) a gangster film based around "Whitey Bulger" of Boston. The movie is a short 2.5 hours. I found there to be way too much guns and violence. But that's my personal taste. But then again, what would one expect from a gangster movie. The performances were outstanding from Jack Nicholson all the way across the boards. I would recommend seeing this movie, but it's most likely not necessary to see it on the big screen. This movie will be just as effective on DVD. There I said it!

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Has everyone of my delicious little pumpkins seen this hysterical movie yet? This movie is a paradox. I'll 'splain my childruns. The movie which encompasses a faux documentary of "Borat" (Sasha Cohen) going to America to learn about our culture and to bring it back to his native Kazakhstan. He, of course, gets sidetracked and ends up seeking out Pamela Anderson. This movie, as funny as it is, is also very, very eye opening. I am amazed at the amount of ignorant, bigoted American citizens there are. I'm dumbfounded that some of these "good citizens" signed the release. Because honestly, if I knew some of them before seeing this movie; I wouldn't want to know them after seeing it. They say such horrible, awful things...out loud, on camera. Yes! You should see this movie. Yes, you should be embarrassed by how ignorant our "red states" truly are. And YES! This movie is so wrong, but so damn funny. I say Hooray for Borat, if for nothing else then to show us the ugly underbelly of America with a laugh and sometimes a gasp.

On that same thought, I know many people are trying to sue Sasha Cohen for this movie. I must say, none of them deserve a cent. They acted like assholes they deserve to be ostracized and I sure as hell hope they are. Yes I'm specifically speaking to the two college boys. If I were the judge in your case - I'd sentence you both to work in a women's shelter, you little bastards.

I Guess I'm A Gay Hero Now?

Maybe the Christians will let me in their Heaven now? Today, I was on my way out of my building to lunch in the elevator. On the way down to the building lobby, a heavyset gentleman (approximately mid 50's) came on the elevator around the 7th floor and we continued down. By the time our elevator reached the lobby floor the other man had collapsed on the floor. I was scared to death but automatically jumped into action. The guy was struggling with breathing and turning slowly blue. He had dropped his cell phone, pen, ID, and the cigarette and lighter, apparently he was on his way outside to smoke. I thought "see what cigarettes do" Anyway, someone (outside the now open elevator doors) was shouting it's a seizure, but I've seen seizures of all sorts and this wasn't one. This much I knew. Then some other man came into the elevator to help me (thank God). I knew we needed to turn this passed out man on his back as he was face down. Together we could barely move this man, as I'm shouting to the lobby desk to call for an ambulance. We got him on his side and he stopped breathing and I couldn't feel a pulse. So together and with some work we turned the man onto his back. I go into first aid mode (as I was trained in both First Aid & CPR), no pulse and he's turning blue. I sweep his mouth and he's obviously choking on his tongue. I say, we should put him on his side, as his body fat was weighing his lungs down and not letting him breath freely. I ask "does anyone know CPR?" No one knew, I was the only person who did. And he was way too fat for one person to perform CPR alone in a small elevator. We put the man back on his side and he began to cough and gasp for air, while still unconscious, thank God. Honestly, I was terrified that I may have to administer both 'mouth to mouth' and 'cardiac massage' in such a small space. He was so big that while laying on his side, his head hung down but never touched the floor. I knew we had to do something so I took off my coat (Kenneth Cole), rolled it up into a ball and used it to bring his head up higher so his airway wasn't constricted. I, then start shoving his belongings (even the cigarette) into his pockets assuming the medics would come soon. At least he was breathing even though there was no sign of a pulse. That's when I knew it was possibly a heart attack. We called up to his company to send someone down and see if they could identify him in order to contact family members. Finally, the medics showed up and took over. And was I happy to see them. I don't know if he lived or not. But I know I tried to do the right things. I know if I needed help, I would want it. I'm shocked at how many people don't know CPR. Shocked... Maybe if they weren't so busy trying to legislate against gays they could be doing something useful. Like helping people.

All I can say is...this gay is OK.

UPDATE: I was informed today (next day) that the medics were able to get his pulse going before he left my office building, but he ended up dieing at the hospital.

Seattle a/k/a "My Bust"

Well, my beautiful pieces of flesh. I’ve returned from Seattle and I’ve got a tale to tell. Let’s start at the very beginning, a very fine place to start:

Thursday: After half a day of work and a quick champagne toast Sam, Michael & I jumped in our town car and sped off toward JFK Airport to catch our 6pm flight to Seattle, WA. Now, be advised, I’m not a big fan of flying to begin with, so this LONG flight was terrifying to me. I took a Xanax. So guess what? We sat on the plane awaiting take off for 2 hours. Finally at 8pm we took off and landed in Seattle around 11pm (Seattle time). We were supposed to be there at 9:30pm. Those bastards at American Airlines. My conclusion, after sitting in those tiny airline seats for what seemed to be an eternity, is that I’ve decided I’m top heavy and need a breast reduction. Poor Ryan Charisma was so sore because of his heaving bosom. Sure the boys like it, but my back and shoulders were killing me. So there is probably going to have to be some sort of charity event supporting my breast reductions surgery so I can fly comfortably. Moving along, we met up with Jason after Sam basically had to undress and throw himself into the street to catch a cab. Cabs in NYC are easy, but no where else. So by the time we were all settled in, chatted and caught up it was time to go to sleep.

Friday: (SAM’S BIRTHDAY) We awoke early and had our first cup (of many) of Seattle coffee. This was going to be my demise at some point. But one is not aware of the traps of coffee until they’re already trapped. It’s like a low key heroin. After we all dawned our daytime vacation attire; we set out to see Seattle. What a great city. It’s slightly too spread out to walk everywhere, but it most definitely walkable. First stop, a small 'mom & pop' coffee house. They had a pumpkin spice latte that would knock your socks off. I regret not getting the name of this place, but we were on a mission. Our afternoon was set to be filled at the Seattle Experience Music Project. This was so cool. I’ll repeat that. This was so cool. We spent hours and hours just wandering through original costumes of famous rock stars (mostly from the west cost). Who knew Jimmy Hendrix was so petit? And are you aware that Nancy Wilson of Heart was actually thin at one time? Who knew? I sang in a recording studio and learned 3 chords on the guitar. It was a blast. I really liked it. Lastly, we got to see “The Eastsiders” perform live. They rocked the house. Also, we took in the Double Take exhibit. I adored some of the artwork. I’m a huge fan of paintings and photography. Great exhibit!

Now my favorite time of the day, lunchtime. We ate at a staple hamburger joint called “Dick’s”. It was the most affordable fast food burgers I’ve ever had. Now I know, I know you’re all thinking “Ryan Charisma, you don’t like fast food do you?” Well, yes it was fast food, but for the amount of time I eat fast food, I didn’t mind eating there. Not to mention, the burgers were good! I’d definitely eat there again. Then we proceeded to shop vigorously ending up at Pike Place Market. You know the place, where they throw the fish around. Remember? That was interesting as was HUGE. I never saw such fresh fruit, flowers & veggies so inexpensive. So VERY inexpensive. I bought a lovely bottle of local wine as did Michael and Sam bought some shrimp. We then went back to Jason’s and Sam prepared lovely Scampi. It was delicious, as was the local wine.

Now it was time to head out to test the waters of Seattle’s Gay Nightlife. First off let me say – it’s alive and well. We ended up going to a club called The Cuff - it was fun. So very not like NYC at all. Everyone seemed to get along and they were at the club to have fun. It didn’t seem to be a huge hook-up scene. People were there with their friends just hanging out. I must warn you in advance I noticed something strange though. Most of the men in the clubs were not my age. They were either in their early 20s or on the other side of 55. Strange, right? As for drinks, when we ordered them they came back HUGE, Michael inquired why the drinks were so big and the reply was “All our first drinks are doubles.” Now I know some people that would truly appreciate that. Right Sam? All four of us decided we really liked this club. So then we moved along to the Seattle Eagle. Well, it was really fun as well. It was a bit divey, but the Eagle had a lot of the butch boys hanging out there. What both of these clubs had that I personally appreciated was outside patios. They make club going so much better. A chance to get outside and cool down after dancing.

Saturday: Well, morning arrived early (as it did all weekend), and I wanted to hit the gym. Jason dropped me off at the local gym Epicenter. I went in ready for my $15 one day work out fee and they said, “go work out for free” – So, I did. You may ask “Ryan Charisma why did they let you in for free?” I do not know. But perhaps it’s because of my world renowned “towel dance” I do in the steam room? It’s akin to the dance of the seven veils. None-the-less, it was a great gym. Thank you Epicenter. Next we pulled ourselves together and set off for lunch. Jason took us to a great gay restraint in Capital Hill (gay section of the city) called Broadway Grill. I highly recommend it. It’s got great food, and the prices reasonable. They had a great crab & spinach dip! And the waiters there are good looking.

Then we did gay-boy party shopping. And if you don’t know what that means let me explain to you, my little puddles of love. That means we needed to get ourselves little masks & assorted party clothes to wear out for our Halloween celebration later that evening. It was very tiring and after a few hours, it was disco nap time. We all zonked out for a good hour and a half. And we needed it. Then we were to get ready for our night out. We decided to return to The Cuff. Good choice, it was mobbed and was having its Halloween Party entitled “Alice in Wonderland.” We had so much fun. We danced, met people and of course had a small drink or two. The people in Seattle were so into wearing costumes and did them 100%. When the night got late, we stopped by the Seattle Eagle again. Sam seemed to take a liking to that place for a nightcap.

Sunday: I woke early and jumped in the shower; Michael followed suit. By 7am we left the apartment for a coffee shop while the others slept. We chatted and had some serious coffee. By this time my being a recreational coffee drinker was coming to an end. I don’t think caffeine is anything to play with anymore. Regardless, Michael and I brought back some java to Jason and Sam. After a leisurely morning we decided to go out and see more of the city. We shopped and I bought fun underwear and we had a lovely Mexican lunch. I love Margaritas.

Our last evening out, and we hit some of the clubs again. They weren’t as buzzing on Sunday night, but that’s ok. We were getting tired by then and needed to call it an early evening anyway since we had to be up at 6am for our flight back. Well, we did it. And now I’m here to tell you. I liked Seattle, I really did. Jason was a great host. Thank you Jason. And I couldn’t have picked better travel companions.

But it’s good to be home as I was missing Mr. Adam allot. I was so happy to see him. As I always am.