Happy PRIDE NYC!

My comming out story...

My first gay relationship had ended, it was my senior year of undergrad. I was dumped for one of my friends. Some bf right? Some friend. Anyway, I was devastated. And that's an understatement. I was jilted and broken hearted. What's a boy to do? Well, of course, my ex had to break up with me two weeks before my graduation. Ruined. Or rather, I let it ruin my greaduation, and all the parties. So moving day, I lived on campus, came and I moved home. Sobbing all through the packing, all through the 2.5 hour drive home, and during the unpacking. My mother found me upset in my bedroom, and I lost it. I told her how I was dumped and in the manner it went down. And you know what? My parents dealt with my broken heart. Not the fact that I am gay. If my parents had to deal with the gay thing, they did it personally. I didn't really hear about it. Besides, first love hurts and I was hurting bad. Looking back, my ex was a real dick-head to me. I still don't believe people can be that selfish, but I was proven wrong. Call me the gay "Anne Frank." Happy PRIDE!

Band Fags

My friend Scott gave me this book to read. Oh shit it's good. Really, it's wicked excellent good! Let Momma 'splain.

This book chronicles Jack, the main character's life from 8th grade through senior year. I don't even know where to begin glowing about this book. I read allot of books, and so few I actually become involved in. This must be the second or third one this year. I figured I'd read Band Fags as my PRIDE read. This book, although not my high school story, certainly reminded me of myself at that age. Not admitting who/what you are. Praying to God to not make it so. And fighting the urges that lay just below the surface at all times. I related to this book so much. I was rooting for the main character through the whole book, even though I knew the mistakes he was making. The story takes place from 1983 - 1988. It references cool 80's songs, celebrities and events. Even John Eric Hexim's death. It was a great walk down memory lane.

The story is about Jack (who is gay) and his best friend Brad (who is also gay) and all the kids he interacts with in school. He's 1st trumpet in the band and the school calls the band members "band fags" and the only thing worse than being a "band fag" is being a "Drama Club Queer". God I love the use of those words! Anyway, Jack tries to date girls, he gets a job, he falls in love with two jocks in his school, and eventually his mother figures out he's gay. But I don't want to give away too much more because this book, although an easy read, pulls you right in. I couldn't put it down sometimes. I really wanted him (possibly because I see so much of myself in Jack) to kiss the boys he wanted to kiss. Did he? Well, read the book. You really, really should.

I sort of hope this story is based in truth. I don't want these characters to be fictional. It would kill me.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I just want everyone to know how great Mr. Adam is. Last week was my birthday and I announced that I didn't want to do anything big, no trips, no cakes, no party. I would quietly let my 35th birthday go by and collect gifts. Mr. Adam went ahead and planned a birthday party for me anyway. It was lovely, Chinese Food & Cake! Who could ask for anything more?

Thank you Mr. Adam! I love you.

Gay It Forward (aka Boston PRIDE)

Hello my petite cakes of beef. Momma missed all of you while traveling and representin'. Let me tell you all of my latest journey...

Sam & I started out this trip meeting at 11am in front of the NYC Hilton on Friday to take the Limoliner To Boston. We had to take this mode of transportation because Amtrak was closing down the track back & forth to Boston for our desired dates. So Limoliner, here we come. I loved it! Sam did too! The seats were leather, wonderfully comfortable, jet business class seats. We got wi-fi, an outlet for electricity, and a cigarette outlet for our phones. The Limoliner served us drinks, snacks & lunch. We also had a bus attendant who did everything a flight attendent would do, including bring me pillows and blankets. Yeah! And it only cost $89/one way. Not bad, considering the Acella costs a minimum of $110 one way and it isn't any more comfortable nor faster as we got into Boston in less than 4 hours. I highly recommend trying it.

We arrived at our hosts (Gail, Beth & Ken) around 3:30pm. I was so happy to be out of NYC for a while. The city just closes in on me sometimes and I have to get away from the big buildings and the busy people. I loved the quiet, clean Boston streets. After catching up with Gail for the afternoon, Beth, Sam & I went out to dinner to Coda bar & kitchen. I had their turkey meatloaf, it was good. After dinner, we went back to the apartment to catch up. Sam & I then decided we were going to try and see what was going on this fine PRIDE weekend in Boston. We first went to an old neighborhood bar called the Eagle. No it's not a leather bar, although I wonder if it was at some point? Most other Eagle Bars are leather bars in other cities, but I promise you this place isn't. So we walk in and the first thing I notice is that the bar is quite empty. The second thing I noticed was that half of the small quantity of people in the Eagle were women. How does this make me feel? Well, I'm going to be honest and say, "I didn't care at first." But little did Sam & I know, that this was going to be the theme for most of the weekend. We moved along to The Alley. "How was it ryan charisma?" - well half full of mens. Do you see what's happening here? Not a happening night.

Saturday morning, we wake and have coffee with our hosts. Around 11am Sam & I go to my friend John's for a brunch party before the parade. John & his roommate Nick (not bfs) hosted a lovely party to kick of the pride parade. Mimosa punch & peach lemonade. yeah! I had a drinkie and stared in bewilderment at all of the food. Gays don't eat! Not in public anyway. 12pm (noon) hits and it's time to head to watch the parade. Sam & I meet Gail, Beth, Randi & Craig as well as some of their significant others & friends at our pre-determined spot on the parade route.

Now this is where I'm not going to make many friends. I got something to say, and you may not be able to handle my truths. But I got to say what I got to say. The parade was lame. Yes you read right...lame. Where have all the muscle boys gone? Where are the nightclub floats with scantily clad men? Where were the lesbians with no shirts? I want tits in my PRIDE parade. To cut to the chase: "The gay community doesn't speak to me anymore." I can't say it any more simple than that. This community that was all inclusive is now less so than ever. Although they hide behind a facade of political correctness (which I'm not). Now this is where I need to "gay it forward" for today's young gays.

Isn't it great that you have glbt clubs in school? I wish I had that. I wish I had anything, something, that let me know I wasn't the "only gay in the village." But I didn't. And I stayed ashamed and closeted until well into undergrad. Now, let's get real. My generation, and the generations before me, didn't fight so damn hard for equality so you little shits could walk around pretending to be straight. We fought for equality and the right to be different. ARE YOU LISTENING? We are different, we're gay for Christ's sake. We're better than straights. Why would we want to be them? I want equality, not to assimilate. ARE YOU LISTENING? CAN YOU EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE? I don't recall when I was 22 even wanting to get married, never mind married off and with children. UGH! That is the opposite of gay. Having the same right to marry in MA is great, it's actually inspiring. But why do we, and I mean the young gays, recreate the same stupid mistakes the straights make? Marriage before 30? Are you fucking kidding me? I should have been a divorce lawyer. Really. Gay divorce going to be a gold mine soon. I reject this gay gentrification. It sickens me. I didn't sign up for this. PRIDE isn't about this. Where are the fun clothes? The messy drag queens? Kissing boys? Lesbian tits? The dignity in having pride in ourselves just as we are? I don't need to have the same haircut, clothes and pout just like the A&F catalogue. I'm bored with the young, stupid gays. Blowing their whistles for Obama not even knowing he doesn't want them to have marriage. He wants them to have something 'separate but equal' - which kids, is unconstitutional.

The parade consisted mostly of every political candidate that wants some sort of office or position. I remember when there would only be 1 or 2 candidates and they were saluted for their bravery. Now, every friggin' candidate down to the garbage collectors march. Big whop. I don't want to be considered something you 'have' to do to get elected. I want you (the candidate) to want me (the gay community). And you don't, you candidates march because some advisor told you to. Fuck you. Now the candidates were only half the parade, the other half was religious groups. Fucking religious groups. Let me first off say, OK fine, Dignity, Gay Jews all that. Fine. But really, isn't pride about breaking free of the religious dogma that has held us back for SO long, and still does? Isn't that PRIDE? Pride in ourselves without society's bullshit being heaped on us? So march on religion, but forgive me for not wanting a piece of that pie. Why? Because I resent religion. That's why. Even the title of the parade was dumb. Sustaining Our Community, Conserving Our World - fucking retarded. How are we sustaining our community with this self inflicted gay gentrification? And as for the 'green' part - I have one thing to say "Dykes on Bikes". Something about 200 womyn reeving & riding just as many motorcycles. Can you say "OIL"? And that's just the first of the parade. I won't go into the mess, the crap that gets thrown and all the paper wasted. Boston used to have such a great PRIDE. I feel as thought this 'green' movement is more of a marketing ploy to make Americans feel like they're doing something, but really - you're not.

I feel the gay community has turned it's back on itself. I think the people who used to stand on the sidelines and say, "I like pride but those guys in leather and the drag queens gotta go" have won the war. And I can't for the life of me figure out how, especially since PRIDE was a direct result of drag queens taking their rights back. PC sucks, hence Boston PRIDE sucked. And they've got no one but themselves to blame.

So after that poor excuse for a display of PRIDE, Sam & I decided to go to the block party at Fritz. It's an annual event hosted in the afternoon, and the money goes to charity. It's a good dance and it usually has great DJs. Well..., I have to say it was a difficult party for me to handle since I usually go to this block party with a small group of friends. One of them being Dennis. Since Dennis' death, I've had quite a hard time dealing with the loss. Dennis always was at this block party, he actually loved going. Every time I looked up or around I saw someone who looked like Dennis. I didn't speak to them or forget he's gone, I just felt a small bittersweet pain for most of the afternoon. God I miss him. The DJ for that party was not good, I hate to say it so bluntly, but whoever this woman was, she was not even mediocre. I don't want to hear in 2008, big gay dance anthems from the mid 90's. I don't. It's that simple. There's very little nostalgia in a 10 year old play list. As for the boys at the Fritz block party. Well, when I lived in Boston, I would go to Mike's Gym II, which is now a BSC. When I worked out there, there were all the muscle boys that were so lovely to behold. Of course they wouldn't give me the time of day, and would most likely leave me bleeding in a gutter if found. But they were very hot, sexy men. The really hot guys from the gym usually worked the Fritz block party. Well, after 8 years, I saw some of these hot men. Let me say, they don't look so hot anymore. These virtual gods of muscle, have now gone down one of two roads: 1) they've gotten fat. simply put - fat. 2) they've gotten fat. simply put - HIV med belly and/or hump. Either way - they looked like shit. I questioned how I felt that these men I used to long for and lust after (knowing they didn't know I existed) have fallen from A-list grace. I want to say I reveled in it. But I didn't. Perhaps it was my melancholy over Dennis? But the ironic twist of social position didn't go unnoticed by me nor Sam.

Around 4:30pm Sam & I headed for our host house. Gail, Beth & Ken planned a fabulous cookout party for the evening. I love their parties. So Sam & I decided we would make up a fabulous drink for the party. We got a couple of bottles the new Stoli Blackberry Vodka, lemonade, a splash of blackberry juice & garnished with a few blackberries. YUM! It was the hit of the party. Oh at least we gays can still bar tend well. There were many people there that Sam & I knew and the we didn't know. We had the best time. Soon Who's Leslie? played a couple of numbers. Sam did a few songs from La Cage Aux Folles. Then panic. Word spread that there were a battle of lesbian bands starting. Everyone to the living room. Somehow a rival lesbian band had began performing. Who won? I can't say, but my allegiance is with Who's Leslie?. Luckily the hosts of the party didn't mind that I invited my friend Kathleen to visit at the party. Oh boy I miss her. She is a hoot, we used to wait tables together. Sometimes, I wish the world wasn't so spread out.

After the PRIDE cookout, Sam & I decided to do our traditional trip to the Boston leather bar Ramrod. I have to say I wanted to go in honor of my friend Dennis. When he was alive, we always went to the Ramrod on PRIDE night. It was our tradition. So off Sam & I went. So much has changed. The Ramrod was only about half full and there was a dance happening at it. Didn't anyone get the memo? Leather boys don't dance. No, they don't. We had a toast to Dennis finished our drinks and left. Nothing is the same. Not even the barflies. If Dennis were alive, this would kill him.

The following day, Sunday, it was raining horrible. So we bagged the idea of going to anymore PRIDE festivities. We stayed in, had a lovely lunch. Did a little shopping and in the evening our friend Patti joined us for dinner. Gail took us to Gaslight. Which btw is right next to BSC where the former muscle boys used to work out. I really enjoyed this restaurant. I had the salmon. Why? Because I'm healthy like that. We had a great dinner and returned to our hosts' apartment to watch the Tony Awards 08. They were just as mediocre as the PRIDE Parade.

The following morning Sam & I returned to NYC on our Limoliner.

Bon Voyage (Boston, MA)

Well I'm off! I'll be in Boston all weekend. I'll be traveling with my friend Sam. Coincidentally, the friggin' Amtrak trains won't be running this weekend from NYC to Boston. Can you believe it? So we'll be traveling an alternative method to Boston. Our friends Ken, Gail & Beth (who Sam & I will be staying with) will be hosting a lovely party Sat. evening which I'm very much looking forward to. I'll give you the low-down on that when I return. Otherwise, the people that have my cell, "call me". And those that don't, e-mail me. I'll have access to my e-mail.

Laters!

Cubby Bernstein - Xanadu

The KITE RUNNER

Wow, I really liked this book. It was great. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini taught me more about Afghanistan; than I've learned since 9/11. "why's that ryan charisma?" Well for one, I understand the Taliban and their operation better. I understand Muslims better and I was told a great story while learning.

I'm going to be honest and say I avoided this book for a long time. I seriously did. Why? Well, because somehow I formed an opinion that this was a chic book. I don't know why either. But I was certainly wrong. And childruns - I'm not wrong that often. Anyway, this story is about a boy named Amir. His life growing up in Afghanistan, his servant/friend Hassan and their friendship. Why they couldn't call their relationship a friendship, and the bitter truths around their relationship.

This book has everything, love, loss, betrayal and redemption. I found myself actually upset at certain parts of the book. Yes, it's a good book - I can't deny that. I'm glad I read it. And most of all, I'm glad my boss gave it to me to read. Otherwise, I would never have picked this up on my own. Man, I would have missed out.

VIBRATE

Let me begin with, I know I'm not going to make friends right now. But let's all separate our egos from our art. OK? I'm going to be fair, yet honest. Or at least try to be.

Let's go:

Last night, Michael & I escorted my friend Sam to Vibrate, the New York Gay Men's Chorus' summer show. This was to be my virgin experience to what is a phenomenon to me: A Gay Men's Chorus. I know every city has one...I know.

I found all the middle-aged NYC gays, they're here.

"How was the show ryan charisma, you ask?" Boy you people are dying for me to make enemies. Aren't you? Well, OK - but I won't make it a blood bath just to feed your frenzy. The show opened with yet another version of the overdone "Feelin' Good" - the soloist: Arthur Boston was good. I really appreciated the Music Director's (Charlie Beale) enthusiasm for the evening. Too bad I didn't get that quite as much from the performers. The show continued on with a wide range of sets that consisted of various musical styles. I'll hit some of the highs & lows. Midway, through Act I, there was a version of Satin Doll, the solo was performed by a wonderfully physically fit, yet not quite talented Jeffrey Meyer. He was almost painful to hear, especially for his sustained notes, if it weren't for his hot pecs. Then, immediately following was the overacted rendition of Lush Life solo'd by Michael Morisi. This man can sing, but he tried SO hard to act a song that needs no acting. The words are brilliant and speak volumes alone. Then we moved along to a Rufus Wainwright set which personally, made me want to stab myself in the eardrums. But that's what I bring to the table when we're discussing Ms. Wainwright's music. I can't hear you tell me anything regarding his talent, because all I can hear is whining and moaning. But this, this set of Rufus' music was done by a choir. So it has to be good, right? FALSE. Too bad, I actually liked the soloist for these numbers.

INTERMISSION

More? Is there actually more? YES! Now sit back down and read this. The highlight of the night came with the Youth Pride Chorus did a set of their own. They were inspirational. "Were they good singers ryan charisma?" No, not really. But I forgave them. 1) because they're young and haven't developed a savvy stage craft. 2) because they were out, loud and proud of who they were. It was actually touching to see them onstage. My heart leaped for them. I only wish that when I was a 15 yo stuck in the closet, living in farmland MA, that there was some sort of safe gay performance space for me. I salute this troop and the wonderful people who gave these kids the opportunity.

Now back to the show. The remainder of the show consisted of one show tune quartet which one of the quartet kind of sucked with his timing. A tribute to Africa that went on and on, and on, and on, and on...you get the picture. They brought in what appeared to be a transgendered pianist/soloist: Our Lady J. Eh. She was OK, not stellar. But for some bizarre reason she got her own set. That's fine, but way too much Africa songs. The show ended with Wind It Up which I'm sure the chorus thought was a fabulous number. It really was only mediocre. Really, and not for lack of trying mind you. But, let's face it. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Some of these guys just shouldn't be on stage. Or shouldn't be singing,

Or both.

IRONMAN

I AM IRONMAN!

Actually I'm not. But Robert Downey Jr. sure is, and a great one at that. Last Saturday night I took Mr. Adam to the movies to see this. And I was excited as I heard so much about it. I have to first tell you, I'm no comic book fan. My experience with comics pretty much ends with Richie Rich. But I found this movie interesting, as with most superhero movies, you learn how they came to be. I had no idea the Taliban was involved in the creation of Iron Man, but now I know.

Again, I must stress to you how absolutely great Robert Downey, Jr. is in this film. He's great, and the best part - they left the movie wide open for a sequel. And I'm sure it will rock. Beu Bridges played the villian and was, well, for lack of a better word...FAT. And Gweneth Paltro - well, I feel a sock pupet could have played her role in the movie. I will say however, she filled that backless green dress nicely, nicer than I would have at least. I don't do backless usually. I'm a lady after all.

Go see this now!

Sex and the City (movie)

Hey kids! Momma saw this one now! Two times even, and those of you that know me, KNOW I don't do movies twice. Let's get this party started:

First off I saw this movie initially with Sam & Michael on our fabulous Gay(ish) Day in NYC. After Donna Summer, shopping, mani/pedis, a fabulous luncheon we entered the Lincoln Center Movie Theater to join our friends Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha & Carrie for the first time in years. And they were there, and on time, and they looked fabulous, yet alarmingly older.

First off we waited in a line that was huge. Upon our wait, we noticed that the entire audience was female. Yes, you heard me right. On a Friday afternoon at 3:30pm, the theater was filled with gaggles of women. Now these weren't just any women, they were "Sex and the City" wannabes. I kid you not. Wearing their high end clothing and ultra expensive shoes this entire audience thought that the were the fab four of Sex and the City. These groups of women punch drunk with anticipation of the movie must have had the same idea as we three gays. Speaking of gays, we were the few accounted for. Yes, you heard me right. There were no faggles (gaggle of fags). The only other gays to be accounted for in the audience were, I would say, about every third gaggle of women had brought their lone personal gay. Eww. Let's be real, gays who hang out with mostly women, are either in school, or live in the suburbs, there really isn't any other excuse to be the ONLY gay.

Moving along, the movie was fun, exciting and fashion forward. Although I must express my concern for the outrageous display of chunky belts with dish sized buckles in this movie. Are these over sized belts really coming into fashion? I'm afraid, if a belt can make Sarah Jessica Parker look fat, I don't want to tell Sally Housecoat what said belt makes her look like. But I will.

The story of the movie you're going to have to find out for yourself. I won't ruin it for you or anyone who hasn't seen it. I'm sure most of my readers intend of seeing it. I will tell you however, it was like a really long episode of the TV series. The movie had a photo shoot of Carrie in wedding gowns that was outstanding. I loved that scene. There were a few tear jerking moments and few laughs, but all in all I really liked the movie. "Was the movie predictable ryan charisma?" you ask. Yes, it was. The movie was exactly what I expected it to be. And I'm sure what you expect it to be.

And like I posted, I liked it so much I saw it again on Sunday with Mr. Adam, Evan & Jeffrey.

The Gayest of Days

Hey peoples! Let me tell you all about last Friday, May 30, 2008:

I woke at 4:45am so I could shower and shave for my big gay day. Upon exiting my bathroom, I woke up the boys (Michael & Sam) who stayed the night. We had a big, big day planned. Once everyone was through the shower, we departed for a Starbuck's coffee, and then Rockefeller Center. Off we went. We reached Rockefeller center around 6:15am. Yawn, I'm tired just typing it now. Now I must tell you, we were there to watch Donna Summer sing live in NBC's Summer Concert Series. Yeah! She went on at 8:30am. Donna sang 'She Works Hard For the Money" (sang the wrong verse), "Stomp Your Feet" (from her new CD) & finished with "Hot Stuff" (yes for me, I did request it). Sadly for all of you out there, a crane fell AGAIN in here in NYC, so the actual concert was preempted by that. Figures!

Then we returned to my apartment to have mimosas on my rooftop. Which we did have, after a quick costume change. We then headed out to Susies Nail Salon for mani/pedis. My toes are glistening. After our time in the salon, we shopped the upper west side until lunchtime.

We had a lovely luncheon at Le Pain Quotidien - fabulous. These french baker/lunch spots have been popping up all over the city, and quite frankly, I really like them. I had a lovely curried chicken salad sandwich. After lunch we shopped a bit more. Yet somehow, I managed not to purchase anything.

Then at the magic hour 3:00pm, we all went to the Lincoln Center Movie Theater to get our seats for the 3:30pm showing of "Sex and the City"! I really enjoyed the movie, I'll review it later on, as I saw it again with Mr. Adam two days later on Sunday. After the movie, the three of us went for a Cosmo at Posh. Love Posh, horrible, horrible bartender - his cosmos were truly meant to strip wood, not be drank.

We then headed back to my place for another costume change as we were due to attend a 30 yo birthday party in the evening. Which we did, we looked great and quite frankly, I was proud of myself for attending a birthday party for someone much older than myself. Regardless, by 10:00pm I was ready to go home, and I did. And I slept in the next day. What a great day!