ART

Hey folks, an artistical friend of mine sent me three of his latest pieces that were shown in an art show recently. Check them out and leave your comments, if you have any. I'll leave the artist as anonymous so you can feel free to leave whatever your gut reaction to the art is. I always believed that the gut reaction to art is the most honest. Please don't confuse honestly with cruel.

#1 The Temptress

#2 Voodoo Baby

#3 The Unexpected

What 'cha think?

One Year

...and Angus was watching

This past Friday, there was an alignment of stars, so to speak. A convergence of talent, sweat and dedication sweetened with support and love. "What are you talking about ryan charisma?" Hold on, I'm milking the moment...

OK, great - I made my 'phili-something' point. Anyway, a group of friends from my undergrad years in the university theater company (SMUTCo) gathered here in NYC. We were all here to support our friends Gail & Ernie with the musical they've been writing, re-writing & writing again called Monsters. They had a staged reading with Ms. Andrea McCartle (original Annie) singing the lead character. This reading was to wrangle up some financial backing and producers for their musical. I'm not going to review the show as I only review full productions. I don't think reviewing a work in progress is fair. So I'll say this, the cast was one of the strongest casts I've seen out of all the incarnations I've seen of this show. And I believe I've seen them all over the years.

It was so great to see my friends that I never see. "Why ryan charisma?" Well, because life takes people and tosses them across states and oceans. It gives us families and basic life to deal with. It takes it's toll on people. So now, although our friendships still seem to be as strong as ever, we've all moved along the paths that make staying close difficult if not impossible. My biggest wish, was that they stayed longer. One night in NYC is not long enough.

So in turn, our mentor Angus Baily, who was the director of our theater company, was alive again watching his people pull it together once more. His spirit lived on in the script, in the support, in the arguing and most of all in the performance of Monsters.

Here's to you Angus, and the wonderful people you brought together and taught.

The Gay Mafia & I

OK kiddies, I was requested to share another one of my "you won't believe my life" stories here on the blog. I'm not one to share too much personal stuff, but here it goes.

Approximately 5(ish) years ago my friend Jason (through a series of unfortunate events) found himself living on the floor of the offices of a notorious underground sex club here in NYC. He would sleep on the floor by night, and by day, barter his computer networking/web design skills. Sadly, this was good for him. Jason had, shall we say, an issue with Crystal Meth (Tina). So after months of living in this (purposely nameless) sex club's offices, Jason began to listen to conversations happening in the offices. He heard things, and thought he heard things, that made him uneasy. Mostly things pertaining to himself. Bob (the owner - not his real name) would say he didn't want Jason around anymore, why pay him and have him around all the time. Jason heard they were planning to "get rid" of him. As the cackling twinkie meth heads who worked in the office would discuss Jason too. Jason knew too much. Mostly things about the sex club, how it was run illegally. Where the money went. E-mails that were saved. Passwords. You get the picture. Now can I say this is true? No. What I can tell you is that there is some truth to all of this, and the information Jason had was real. Jason, one night in a fit of Tina induced terror, fled this sex club. But he locked down their hard drives by encrypting them and password protecting them and whatever else a networking expert can do. And only he had all the passwords. Jason in this flee had left most of his belongings behind in this sex club.

Fast forward a few weeks. Jason shows up at my apartment banging on the door. "You have to get out of here. You need to be gone tonight." "Why?" I ask. He then proceeds to tell me... He pissed off the wrong people, in negotiating with the sex club, and had corresponded with them from my home computer. I said "So? You didn't use my e-mail." And he said "No, but these people can get your IP address easy and show up. You, your roommate & the dog have to get out of her for your own safety. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you." "Shit!" I think to myself. "What the fuck did you get into now?" He then explains that these people mean business, they're the dealers in the nightclubs and sex clubs and they are the GAY MAFIA. I was like, "oh yea, riiiight." He then said he made a list and handed it to me in a plastic/wax envelope. So as not to have fingerprints on the paper. This list consisted of all the low level drug dealers, the middle tear drug dealers, the sex workers & people who were making illegal money at this illegal sex club. Full names, phone numbers & e-mail addresses. I saw this list and handed it back to him and told him I want nothing to do with this and he was scaring me. He then told me I have to keep the door locked at all times and I have to keep the list as an insurance policy and with instructions that if anything happened to him, I was to bring the list immediately to any police station. "Fucking A" I'm thinking "how can you drag me into this?" I don't do drugs, I certainly don't go to illegal sex clubs. And I don't know anyone on the list. So I hid the list. No one would have found it. But the 3 of us (my roommate included) knew exactly where it was in case of emergency. I then told my friend that he needed to go home and trust that I won't be attacked in the middle of the night. I slept with one eye open for the following two months.

Needless to say, nothing came of this. I don't think Jason got his money, and I think the sex club has been shut down here in NYC. As for the list, it lasted for years in it's hiding place. That is until I moved a few years ago, which was years after Jason moved out of the city. I destroyed it. I wanted nothing to do with any of that. And Jason, he kicked the Tina. I'm very proud of him for that. But I'll never forget how the gay mafia was going to find me.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I just want everyone to know how great Mr. Adam is. Last week was my birthday and I announced that I didn't want to do anything big, no trips, no cakes, no party. I would quietly let my 35th birthday go by and collect gifts. Mr. Adam went ahead and planned a birthday party for me anyway. It was lovely, Chinese Food & Cake! Who could ask for anything more?

Thank you Mr. Adam! I love you.

Gay It Forward (aka Boston PRIDE)

Hello my petite cakes of beef. Momma missed all of you while traveling and representin'. Let me tell you all of my latest journey...

Sam & I started out this trip meeting at 11am in front of the NYC Hilton on Friday to take the Limoliner To Boston. We had to take this mode of transportation because Amtrak was closing down the track back & forth to Boston for our desired dates. So Limoliner, here we come. I loved it! Sam did too! The seats were leather, wonderfully comfortable, jet business class seats. We got wi-fi, an outlet for electricity, and a cigarette outlet for our phones. The Limoliner served us drinks, snacks & lunch. We also had a bus attendant who did everything a flight attendent would do, including bring me pillows and blankets. Yeah! And it only cost $89/one way. Not bad, considering the Acella costs a minimum of $110 one way and it isn't any more comfortable nor faster as we got into Boston in less than 4 hours. I highly recommend trying it.

We arrived at our hosts (Gail, Beth & Ken) around 3:30pm. I was so happy to be out of NYC for a while. The city just closes in on me sometimes and I have to get away from the big buildings and the busy people. I loved the quiet, clean Boston streets. After catching up with Gail for the afternoon, Beth, Sam & I went out to dinner to Coda bar & kitchen. I had their turkey meatloaf, it was good. After dinner, we went back to the apartment to catch up. Sam & I then decided we were going to try and see what was going on this fine PRIDE weekend in Boston. We first went to an old neighborhood bar called the Eagle. No it's not a leather bar, although I wonder if it was at some point? Most other Eagle Bars are leather bars in other cities, but I promise you this place isn't. So we walk in and the first thing I notice is that the bar is quite empty. The second thing I noticed was that half of the small quantity of people in the Eagle were women. How does this make me feel? Well, I'm going to be honest and say, "I didn't care at first." But little did Sam & I know, that this was going to be the theme for most of the weekend. We moved along to The Alley. "How was it ryan charisma?" - well half full of mens. Do you see what's happening here? Not a happening night.

Saturday morning, we wake and have coffee with our hosts. Around 11am Sam & I go to my friend John's for a brunch party before the parade. John & his roommate Nick (not bfs) hosted a lovely party to kick of the pride parade. Mimosa punch & peach lemonade. yeah! I had a drinkie and stared in bewilderment at all of the food. Gays don't eat! Not in public anyway. 12pm (noon) hits and it's time to head to watch the parade. Sam & I meet Gail, Beth, Randi & Craig as well as some of their significant others & friends at our pre-determined spot on the parade route.

Now this is where I'm not going to make many friends. I got something to say, and you may not be able to handle my truths. But I got to say what I got to say. The parade was lame. Yes you read right...lame. Where have all the muscle boys gone? Where are the nightclub floats with scantily clad men? Where were the lesbians with no shirts? I want tits in my PRIDE parade. To cut to the chase: "The gay community doesn't speak to me anymore." I can't say it any more simple than that. This community that was all inclusive is now less so than ever. Although they hide behind a facade of political correctness (which I'm not). Now this is where I need to "gay it forward" for today's young gays.

Isn't it great that you have glbt clubs in school? I wish I had that. I wish I had anything, something, that let me know I wasn't the "only gay in the village." But I didn't. And I stayed ashamed and closeted until well into undergrad. Now, let's get real. My generation, and the generations before me, didn't fight so damn hard for equality so you little shits could walk around pretending to be straight. We fought for equality and the right to be different. ARE YOU LISTENING? We are different, we're gay for Christ's sake. We're better than straights. Why would we want to be them? I want equality, not to assimilate. ARE YOU LISTENING? CAN YOU EVEN TELL THE DIFFERENCE? I don't recall when I was 22 even wanting to get married, never mind married off and with children. UGH! That is the opposite of gay. Having the same right to marry in MA is great, it's actually inspiring. But why do we, and I mean the young gays, recreate the same stupid mistakes the straights make? Marriage before 30? Are you fucking kidding me? I should have been a divorce lawyer. Really. Gay divorce going to be a gold mine soon. I reject this gay gentrification. It sickens me. I didn't sign up for this. PRIDE isn't about this. Where are the fun clothes? The messy drag queens? Kissing boys? Lesbian tits? The dignity in having pride in ourselves just as we are? I don't need to have the same haircut, clothes and pout just like the A&F catalogue. I'm bored with the young, stupid gays. Blowing their whistles for Obama not even knowing he doesn't want them to have marriage. He wants them to have something 'separate but equal' - which kids, is unconstitutional.

The parade consisted mostly of every political candidate that wants some sort of office or position. I remember when there would only be 1 or 2 candidates and they were saluted for their bravery. Now, every friggin' candidate down to the garbage collectors march. Big whop. I don't want to be considered something you 'have' to do to get elected. I want you (the candidate) to want me (the gay community). And you don't, you candidates march because some advisor told you to. Fuck you. Now the candidates were only half the parade, the other half was religious groups. Fucking religious groups. Let me first off say, OK fine, Dignity, Gay Jews all that. Fine. But really, isn't pride about breaking free of the religious dogma that has held us back for SO long, and still does? Isn't that PRIDE? Pride in ourselves without society's bullshit being heaped on us? So march on religion, but forgive me for not wanting a piece of that pie. Why? Because I resent religion. That's why. Even the title of the parade was dumb. Sustaining Our Community, Conserving Our World - fucking retarded. How are we sustaining our community with this self inflicted gay gentrification? And as for the 'green' part - I have one thing to say "Dykes on Bikes". Something about 200 womyn reeving & riding just as many motorcycles. Can you say "OIL"? And that's just the first of the parade. I won't go into the mess, the crap that gets thrown and all the paper wasted. Boston used to have such a great PRIDE. I feel as thought this 'green' movement is more of a marketing ploy to make Americans feel like they're doing something, but really - you're not.

I feel the gay community has turned it's back on itself. I think the people who used to stand on the sidelines and say, "I like pride but those guys in leather and the drag queens gotta go" have won the war. And I can't for the life of me figure out how, especially since PRIDE was a direct result of drag queens taking their rights back. PC sucks, hence Boston PRIDE sucked. And they've got no one but themselves to blame.

So after that poor excuse for a display of PRIDE, Sam & I decided to go to the block party at Fritz. It's an annual event hosted in the afternoon, and the money goes to charity. It's a good dance and it usually has great DJs. Well..., I have to say it was a difficult party for me to handle since I usually go to this block party with a small group of friends. One of them being Dennis. Since Dennis' death, I've had quite a hard time dealing with the loss. Dennis always was at this block party, he actually loved going. Every time I looked up or around I saw someone who looked like Dennis. I didn't speak to them or forget he's gone, I just felt a small bittersweet pain for most of the afternoon. God I miss him. The DJ for that party was not good, I hate to say it so bluntly, but whoever this woman was, she was not even mediocre. I don't want to hear in 2008, big gay dance anthems from the mid 90's. I don't. It's that simple. There's very little nostalgia in a 10 year old play list. As for the boys at the Fritz block party. Well, when I lived in Boston, I would go to Mike's Gym II, which is now a BSC. When I worked out there, there were all the muscle boys that were so lovely to behold. Of course they wouldn't give me the time of day, and would most likely leave me bleeding in a gutter if found. But they were very hot, sexy men. The really hot guys from the gym usually worked the Fritz block party. Well, after 8 years, I saw some of these hot men. Let me say, they don't look so hot anymore. These virtual gods of muscle, have now gone down one of two roads: 1) they've gotten fat. simply put - fat. 2) they've gotten fat. simply put - HIV med belly and/or hump. Either way - they looked like shit. I questioned how I felt that these men I used to long for and lust after (knowing they didn't know I existed) have fallen from A-list grace. I want to say I reveled in it. But I didn't. Perhaps it was my melancholy over Dennis? But the ironic twist of social position didn't go unnoticed by me nor Sam.

Around 4:30pm Sam & I headed for our host house. Gail, Beth & Ken planned a fabulous cookout party for the evening. I love their parties. So Sam & I decided we would make up a fabulous drink for the party. We got a couple of bottles the new Stoli Blackberry Vodka, lemonade, a splash of blackberry juice & garnished with a few blackberries. YUM! It was the hit of the party. Oh at least we gays can still bar tend well. There were many people there that Sam & I knew and the we didn't know. We had the best time. Soon Who's Leslie? played a couple of numbers. Sam did a few songs from La Cage Aux Folles. Then panic. Word spread that there were a battle of lesbian bands starting. Everyone to the living room. Somehow a rival lesbian band had began performing. Who won? I can't say, but my allegiance is with Who's Leslie?. Luckily the hosts of the party didn't mind that I invited my friend Kathleen to visit at the party. Oh boy I miss her. She is a hoot, we used to wait tables together. Sometimes, I wish the world wasn't so spread out.

After the PRIDE cookout, Sam & I decided to do our traditional trip to the Boston leather bar Ramrod. I have to say I wanted to go in honor of my friend Dennis. When he was alive, we always went to the Ramrod on PRIDE night. It was our tradition. So off Sam & I went. So much has changed. The Ramrod was only about half full and there was a dance happening at it. Didn't anyone get the memo? Leather boys don't dance. No, they don't. We had a toast to Dennis finished our drinks and left. Nothing is the same. Not even the barflies. If Dennis were alive, this would kill him.

The following day, Sunday, it was raining horrible. So we bagged the idea of going to anymore PRIDE festivities. We stayed in, had a lovely lunch. Did a little shopping and in the evening our friend Patti joined us for dinner. Gail took us to Gaslight. Which btw is right next to BSC where the former muscle boys used to work out. I really enjoyed this restaurant. I had the salmon. Why? Because I'm healthy like that. We had a great dinner and returned to our hosts' apartment to watch the Tony Awards 08. They were just as mediocre as the PRIDE Parade.

The following morning Sam & I returned to NYC on our Limoliner.

The Gayest of Days

Hey peoples! Let me tell you all about last Friday, May 30, 2008:

I woke at 4:45am so I could shower and shave for my big gay day. Upon exiting my bathroom, I woke up the boys (Michael & Sam) who stayed the night. We had a big, big day planned. Once everyone was through the shower, we departed for a Starbuck's coffee, and then Rockefeller Center. Off we went. We reached Rockefeller center around 6:15am. Yawn, I'm tired just typing it now. Now I must tell you, we were there to watch Donna Summer sing live in NBC's Summer Concert Series. Yeah! She went on at 8:30am. Donna sang 'She Works Hard For the Money" (sang the wrong verse), "Stomp Your Feet" (from her new CD) & finished with "Hot Stuff" (yes for me, I did request it). Sadly for all of you out there, a crane fell AGAIN in here in NYC, so the actual concert was preempted by that. Figures!

Then we returned to my apartment to have mimosas on my rooftop. Which we did have, after a quick costume change. We then headed out to Susies Nail Salon for mani/pedis. My toes are glistening. After our time in the salon, we shopped the upper west side until lunchtime.

We had a lovely luncheon at Le Pain Quotidien - fabulous. These french baker/lunch spots have been popping up all over the city, and quite frankly, I really like them. I had a lovely curried chicken salad sandwich. After lunch we shopped a bit more. Yet somehow, I managed not to purchase anything.

Then at the magic hour 3:00pm, we all went to the Lincoln Center Movie Theater to get our seats for the 3:30pm showing of "Sex and the City"! I really enjoyed the movie, I'll review it later on, as I saw it again with Mr. Adam two days later on Sunday. After the movie, the three of us went for a Cosmo at Posh. Love Posh, horrible, horrible bartender - his cosmos were truly meant to strip wood, not be drank.

We then headed back to my place for another costume change as we were due to attend a 30 yo birthday party in the evening. Which we did, we looked great and quite frankly, I was proud of myself for attending a birthday party for someone much older than myself. Regardless, by 10:00pm I was ready to go home, and I did. And I slept in the next day. What a great day!

These are my friends...

TEAM DENNIS - AIDS Walk NY '08

Well, there they are! The troops that rallied to raise money in memory of Dennis L. Perrault. What a beautiful morning we had. Our TEAM DENNIS' welcome reception that Mr. Adam & I hosted the previous night didn't slow down TEAM DENNIS at all. We did good. I won't brag about the amount of money we raised, but we did well, without any other celebrity walkers other than myself. You may wonder, "ryan charisma, where are you in the picture?" Well, my petite sugarplums, I took that photo! I'm so proud of our team, we did good for Dennis. I hope he's proud.

Jason, Levis & Project Runway

Hey people,

my friend Jason asked me to ask all of you to help him in this contest. Just go to the link, create a username, and vote.

And please, please, please vote for his design, which I have pictured to the left.

Way to go JASON!

Christmas Wrap Up

OK my friends, I'm sorry I was away so long. I was burning the candle at both ends for a while as well as traveling. I'll try to keep this short, but I can only try.

Let's start at the Holiday beginning:

Mr. Adam & I went to my parents home (NH) for Christmas. We arrived on Sunday and stayed until Wednesday. It was great to see my family and all the relatives. My parents as long as I remember have always had a Christmas Eve Open House. This was going to be Mr. Adam's second, his first being a few years ago at my parents'. Christmas Eve was great. After my aunt dying last year, my whole family wanted this Christmas to have everyone together, which is understandable. It really was great to see my immediate and extended family. And I love that they get along with Mr. Adam. My nieces and nephews are growing up so fast. I'm sad that I live so far away, but when I do get to see them (even for a short time) it makes me happy. Gifts, gifts, gifts - I won't go into what was given/gotten as I don't like that Christmas has become all about this phenomenon. But what I will mention is that my parents gave Mr. Adam & I an iRobot Roomba. I love it. Actually my whole family has one and they all adore theirs so I got one. yeah!

So Mr. Adam & I come home from the holidays and Mr. (who has more vacation time than anyone I know) didn't have to return to work until after New Year's Day. I, however went right back on December 27, 2007. But my trade off was that I would be taking the following Thursday (January 3, 2008) and Friday (January 4, 2008) off. My friend Jason was coming to visit from Seattle, WA. He arrived Saturday and that same night we took him to a great Holiday Party at our friend Kenn home here in NYC. I would like to say that I partied all night, but the truth is I fell asleep during the party. Yes, momma cannot hold his liquor. It's true, two drinks and Ryan Charisma is falling asleep. I don't even get rip roaring drunk. I just slowly make my way to a corner and begin to nod off. It's quite embarrassing, but I get up so early to make it into the gym and I won't give that up (although I'd like to).

So New Year's Eve comes and Mr. Adam & I join our friend Evan & Jeffrey for a small party at their UES apartment. I always appreciate a New Year's Eve as far away from the idiots in Times Square as possible. Jeffrey prepared a lovely dinner and we toasted in the New Year. Oh by the way, I also fell asleep again. This time, I was so inebriated I had to lay down the minute we finished dinner. I just don't hold booze well kids. I just don't. And if you're wondering, I had one & a half cosmos. That's all it takes. See all this prettiness comes at a cost. And my price is being a light weight drinker.

Finally I had a few days off that I wasn't travelling and my friend Jason & I went shopping at MOODE fabrics as he's a clothing designer. Or rather, in school studying design. Now you're thinking, "Ryan Charisma isn't MOODE the place the contestants on Project Runway shop at?" Well yes, yes it is. And let me tell you, floors & floors of fabric as far as the eye can see. I got bored. I can do this trip once perhaps twice a year, but not much more. It was so great to see Jason and spend some time with him. He looks great and has really found a spark to focus on and that interests him. I'm glad I know a clothing designer. It may come in handy someday.

Sadly, I sent my friend Jason back off to Seattle, and I had to return to the working world.

PILGRIMAGE (Dennis L. Perrault)

I'm better now.

My life has been a whirlwind for the past 10 days or so. I have just buried my best friend, confidant & partner in crime - Dennis L. Perrault. Allow me to share:

Upon returning from Mr. Adam's 40th Birthday in Vegas, I quickly turned around the next day, and went up to Boston to visit my very ill friend Dennis in the hospital. I won't lie and say Dennis was well, but he was certainly better than the last time I had visited him, pre-hospital. Dennis and I had a good time, rehashing memories and just being us. Chit chat, chit chat...oh and he beat me at a round of Scrabble. I returned to NYC on Saturday morning and by Tuesday, October 16, 2007, Dennis had died. His brother Lenny had contacted me, as he was the person who told me specifically what Dennis' doctors were saying all along, because Dennis couldn't share all of that information with me for various reasons. Dennis had died, I was numb. I now had a funeral to attend. Mr. Adam wanted to come with me to support me. What a sweetheart. But I said "no, don't come." I needed to do this alone. This was something I had to do myself. This was now my own personal journey, and I had to do it alone. I can't explain why I thought this way, but I did. I had to make this trip on my own terms. This much I knew in my heart.

Numb, I was numb. I had to make it through the week to get myself to Easthampton, MA to bury my friend. I didn't know the specifics of his death, but I knew I would know them soon enough. The rest of the week I was in a mental fog. I wouldn't say that I didn't feel anything as much as I "couldn't" feel anything. Perhaps it was my body doing what it needed to do to get me through? The news came Wednesday that the viewing & service would be on Saturday. I had three days to prepare. First I had to do the obvious things, arrange transportation, pack, set myself up for work to leave early Friday. Then I had my personal issues, as I had just returned from visiting Dennis and previous to that Las Vegas, so I hadn't really been home all that long. I also had my annual physical scheduled for Thursday. Which my doctor told me I had high blood pressure and they wanted to monitor me over a 24 hour period. Meaning wearing it while I would be traveling the next day to Easthampton, MA. So I got this blood pressure monitor attached to me and it was big and bulky and everyone on the street thought I was bionic. If only. What a time in my life to have my blood pressure monitored. Also, Dennis had, on several occasions, asked me to speak at his funeral service. I had to write, and I had to write something worthy of my 24 year friendship with Dennis. Aye yai yai! Pressure.

I made it through the wearing of the blood pressure monitor, I made it through the laundry I had to do so I would have clean knickers. I wrote my eulogy for Dennis, packed and purchased my train tickets. Luckily, Dennis' brother Lenny had arranged for a hotel room for myself for Friday & Saturday nights. This was such a blessing that I didn't have to worry about the hotel, as I didn't know the area at all. Thank you Lenny. But now, now I was ready, ready to travel, ready to eulogize and ready to be a true friend until the end. And this was our ending. Our sad, bittersweet, senseless ending. Oh God please no...

Traveling is always a treat on the train. What I do enjoy is plugging my phone in and chatting. Chatting away the miles by my anytime minutes. Also I like to read. But none of this was going to happen on this trip, my numbness had reached it's all time high. I couldn't concentrate on anything, no iPod, no books, no phones, no magazines, no work from the office. Just me, tearless, fearless me, my bionic blood pressure monitor and my concentrated numbness. I was beginning to think I was never going to react to my friends death. Which struck me as odd, because I had such horrible personal reaction to the news that Dennis was terminally ill.

My pick up from the train station was seamless, thanks to Lenny again. Not only had Lenny arranged for my hotel stay, but he also took care of making sure I had a ride everywhere I needed to go. This task, was assigned mostly to Lenny's oldest son (Dennis' nephew) Mike (approx. age - early 30s). Extra special thank you to Mike. Mike, Chris & Matt (Lenny's sons), Laurie (Dennis' sister) & Al (friend of the family) picked me up at the train. We stopped at the hotel to drop my bags off and finally remove my blood pressure monitor, then off we went to dinner. The whole crew of us Lenny & Ruth, Mike, Chris, Matt, Al, Laurie, Jillian & me. Chinese Food! God, don't 'cha just love it! This was a genuine treasure and I'm so glad we went. It was Chinese food from my child hood, not the NYC stuff. The kind of Chinese restaurant that has the Polynesian drinks like "scorpion bowls." And we ate, and ate. I also had my first drink since the news of Dennis' passing. A Cosmo. In the back of my head, I kept thinking "is my eulogy good enough? is it?" This thought would continue to plague my every other thought until read my eulogy aloud at Dennis' service. I wanted no one to read my 'scripture' that would be hearing it. I know this made no sense, but to me, it made perfect sense. NO ONE CAN READ MY EULOGY FOR DENNIS THAT WILL BE HEARING IT. I'm weird. Later after Dinner, thank you again Lenny, I went out with Dennis' nephews, Al & Laurie.

Out we went. We went to a straight bar/club. The kind with a live band. Big gay Ryan Charisma at a straight bar, that has live music, in the suburbs. Get your cameras out cause this one isn't going to be pretty. The name of the bar escapes me, but the band playing was great. Big Floppy Disc was the band and they were really good. Mike was friends with just about everyone at the club and walked us right in. No cover charge for us. Then, the drinks began. Dennis' nephews just kept them coming. And comming. I started with a Cosmo, after that a shot that was called a "lemon drop" - but turned out to be tequila. I thought I would breathe fire. Then, another shot called a "woo woo." Way too much booze for a simple gay boy like myself. 1:30AM - time for Momma to go to bed.

Saturday, that day, that horrible, horrible day that I bury my friend had come. Smartly though, before bed I laid out a bottled water and two aspirins for the morning. I made phone calls and touch up ironed my suit for the day. I worked out in the hotel gym and had a good breakfast. Today I needed to be in tip top shape for my friend. Dennis wanted me to keep his service 'light' and that was going to be my job. A job I accepted. The day began at 1:30pm when all of Dennis' family began to arrive . Sad hellos and bittersweet greetings - a theme that would last the entire day. Fortunately, Lenny, Ruth, Laurie & I went to the funeral parlor early to set up. When we arrived Laurie had informed me that Dennis had planned everything. He hand selected the pictures that would be posted, the people who would speak and the picture that would be next to his closed casket. Dennis did request a closed casket, but this prop casket was empty as Dennis' body was already cremated. His ashes are to be divided amongst his 6 siblings and mother. Numb, I'm still numb. Amazed that Dennis, who I had just seen and played Scrabble with only 7 days earlier, had arranged all of this.

Before the doors were opened, Ruth (Lenny's wife) and Laurie pulled me aside and gave me something sentimental. After Dennis had died, the hospital offered to make hand prints of Dennis' in clay. The hospital gave Dennis' family 2 sets, I got one. The other went to this wonderful woman named Joan. Joan was Dennis' friend & confidant. She took Dennis to all his Dr. appointments and was the person who knew of his illnesses before anyone and basically everyone else. She was good to him, asking for nothing in return. A good person, and a good friend of Dennis'. I was happy she shared the honor of receiving these impressions of Dennis. Touching.

The service was difficult. Practically unbearable, my numbness had melted and I could no longer "hold it together." I wept, and sobbed. There were only 5 speakers and I was 4th. The more kind things I heard the less I could understand. The entire first reading was a blur to me. I know Dennis' brother Mark was speaking, but for the world, I couldn't tell you what he said. My grief was taking over. Calm down. Next were two speakers, Dennis' nieces. One read a letter that she never got to mail to Dennis, the other read a paper she wrote in college regarding when she discovered the news that Dennis was terminal. Both very touching. More sobbing. Pull it together Ryan Charisma, you're up next. The walk to the podium was unbearable, I heaved and I sobbed. Nothing was going to stop me from doing Dennis' wishes. Pull it together Ryan Charisma, do it now. I spoke, I sobbed, I spoke again. I told of Dennis' great qualities, I shared an intimate yet funny story of our friendship and I ended with a quote from a current Broadway musical, as Dennis was always active and appreciative of plays & musicals. It was over, and Lenny was the final speaker. Concentrate, concentrate - my grief had taken over. I was now free falling. I was listening to Lenny speak and his mouth was moving but my mind flew away with thoughts of "Was I good enough Dexi?" "This is the last time, this is the 'goodbye'" I was aching inside yet so still on the outside that I could have been a wall, or a stair. Help me! I was drowning inside of myself. I was going under quickly. Focus, focus on Lenny! I pulled it together enough to actually hear the remainder of Lenny's eulogy. It was beautiful. A true credit to him and his relationship with Dennis. Pain. Here comes the goodbye! Everyone was walking away, it was over, only the family and I were left. I was seated with his large family, they included me in everything as though I were one of their own. And now, I was sharing in their grief and it was time for all of us to say goodbye. For me to say goodbye. I can do it. I have to do it. Done.

Boy was I hungry. I hadn't eaten anything but M&M's and that was hours ago. Around 8pm we all went to a lovely dinner hosted by Dennis' friend Joan. She invited what appeared to be 40 people to a lovely restaurant for a meal. And eat we did. I had the good fortune of being seated right next to Joan (our hostess) for this dinner. I had questions. I think I always will. But it was great to meet her. Dennis spoke so highly of her when we did talk. It was good to meet someone so special in his life. I'm sure eventually we would have met, but under different circumstances would have been nicer. I drank, I ate, I drank, and I ate some more. I was then ready for bed.

Sunday morning was hard. My train was at 10:15AM and I had to pack. Luckily, I had no issue with getting up early. As I got ready to leave, I chatted with Dennis, I had things to say that he needed to hear. I hope he heard them. I briefly stepped out of my hotel room to find Dennis' entire family packing up and getting ready to drive to their homes up in NH. Sigh. I said my goodbyes & thank yous and watched the Perrault family caravan of cars drive away. I'd like to say that's where it all ends, but it's not that simple. I began sobbing. Inconsolable sobbing. I then had a bite to eat. Rounded up my luggage, and waited for Mike to pick me up. Which he did, on time, like a trooper. Poor Mike had to endure my weeping. I confessed to him something that I had never told anyone. Something Dennis said to me several times, on his death bead, in private; that hurt to hear. No, no I won't tell you all. It's personal, but I wonder if I had done the right thing in sharing this information. Not that I don't want or care about Mike repeating it so much as the information hurts my feelings to this day. I was weak.

I sobbed, I wailed, I cried, I wept all 3 hours and 45 minutes home on the train. I was pretty much inconsolable when I got back in NYC for about 2 days. but Mr. Adam sure tried. And I love him all the more for it.

I'm better now.

I'm sorry sounds so cliché

My good friend Dennis (shirtless in the picture) died yesterday morning. He was seriously ill and had been hospitalized for a month. He wanted to go home so badly, luckily he did go home on Monday, and got to spend his final night at home. I'm pretty numb right now to be honest. I had just recently visited him in Boston last week and thought he wouldn't pass on for at least a few more months.

I didn't fool myself into thinking he would heal completely, I knew he wouldn't last but I had hope. Now all hope is gone. Dennis is gone. My friend is gone. And I'm walking around in a daze trying to think my way out of this mind fog. I feel sad. Sad for him mostly as I know he was sick , uncomfortable and weak. Ultimately, from what I understand, his heart couldn't hold out.

People say to me "I'm sorry." Why? Sorry appears to be the words to say to Dennis, not me. My sorrow will heal into a beautiful scar of fond memories. His won't. My life changed when I found out about Dennis' health issues in August. Now, with his death, it changes again.

Dennis & I met in the summer of '83 doing the show "Guys & Dolls." We became friends after that. We've helped each other through our 'ups & downs' in life for decades. My friend is dead and I'm numb. I'm happy his suffering is over, but selfishly I want more memories. I'll even take the hospital ones that are the latest. But not gone, not forever, not my friend.

Goodbye Dexi, I'll miss you the most.

Alice Ghostley

Sadly, Alice Ghostly died last week at the age of 81.

I'll miss you!

I'm Cleaning As Fast As I Can

Hey ho guys. I'm really, really not in a good place. This past weekend I've learned that a really close friend of mine is ill. Not a little ill like a cold or flu, but life-threatening ill. He needs a liver transplant. I'm trying so hard to be strong for my friend. When we speak I try not to cry. I'm being strong for both of us I guess. I'll carry extra hope so my friend doesn't have to while resting. But I'm hurting. I hurt really bad. I haven't slept in days. I was up at 4am this past Sat, Sun & Mon. Sunday I started cleaning the house at 6am and cleaned straight through till 6pm. A steady cleaning that occupied my hands long enough to divert my sorrow. I can't make it through another tear filled, sleepless night. My problem isn't going to sleep; it's staying asleep. My issue isn't shedding tears for my friend. But my unconsolable weeping. I feel helpless. But my home is clean.

True Colors Tour - True 35th Birthday Party

Monday, June 18, 2007 - my birthday. I took off from work and arranged a fabulous pre-concert, birthday cocktail party for 12 of my closest friends here in NYC. Mr. Adam & I made arrangements for everyone to show up precisely at 3:30PM. We had fabulous hors d'oeuvres and I infused a few gallons of vodka with pineapple for delicious pineapple cosmopolitans. I know, I know - you're all thinking "Ryan Charisma, you're SO continental!" Well, yes, yes I am. But regardless. Mr. Adam was so helpful with the planning and execution of this soiree. Thank you Mr. Adam - I love you! I, of course, was the bar tender. I won't go into the gifts I received as that's tacky to do in public. I'll just write "thank you" to all of you who did think of me.

At 7:00PM - we all went to Radio City Music Hall to see the True Colors Tour. This was quite a treat.

First off, I got a fabulous drink in Radio City Music Hall cocktail glass and a birthday tiera. I am a princess after all. Then we checked out Radio City and enjoyed the mini-gay pride that was going on all around. I love the gays - they're so fun. We took our seats and the show began. I mean, our timing was perfect really.

The Dresden Dolls: They were OK, a little "goth" for my tastes, but I did enjoy their rendition of Black Sabbath's "War Pigs" - very classy. Although the pianist was the lead vocalist, I have to say the show was the drummer. He was pure craziness, with costume changes and all. So the big question is "Ryan Charisma - did you like them?" Um, ...Not really.

Margaret Cho: She was funny lady! And of course, as everyone knows - she's lost allot of weight. She looked good. Well, for a girl.

Debbie Harry: America's favorite geriatric rocker. Sadly Ms. Harry gave us nothing from her Blondie days and only one of her solo hits "French Kissing in the USA." The rest of Debbie's set was all new stuff from her forthcoming CD due out in August.

Rosie O'Donnell: She was great. She mentioned her bid to become the new host of "The Price is Right." I kind of hope she gets it, except I do find the show boring. Yes, I said it...."boring." I really enjoyed Rosie's set. I never got the feeling that anything was "off limits" for her to talk about but sadly she never mentioned that festering bitch Elizabeth Hasselbeck. God I hate that faux Republican bitch. I hope on her maternity leave from the View she either dies or gets "let go."

Erasure: AWESOME! I'll say it again: AWESOME! Sadly they didn't do my favorite Erasure song "Alien" but that's OK, I'll survive. Their energy was up and they had a new backup singer. In the zillions of times I've seen Erasure - I've never seen them with a white girl backup singer. But they have one now. They did a lovely mix of their old & new songs. Particularly I loved their live rendition of Sunday Girl & Sucker For Love. So absolutely fun.

Cindy Lauper: This girl can sing! And sing she did. for quite a while. She did old songs, new songs, new arrangements, she had it all and it was good. As usual, Cindy goes directly into the audience to be with the fans. She was absolutely beautiful .... like a rainbow!

The entire evening ended with the whole cast onstage singing "True Colors" - very touching.

Odd, but I still don't think the red states think of me as an equal. Weird right?

Restoration Friendship

This past weekend was quite a weekend for me. First I'll tell you all about my reuniting with one of my dearest friends. It had been over a year since my friend Dennis & I spoke and sadly, even longer since we've seen each other. But we re-connected and Dennis came to NYC from Massachusetts for a few days. We chatted, talked and chatted some more. Saw a show, Avenue Q, and had a lovely dinner with all our friends at Vynl. It was SO good to see him. We were wonderfully close friends who fell apart when our lives took turns that neither of us saw coming. As life does, it knocks you for a loop when you least expect it on a random Tuesday afternoon or any day for that matter. One is never ready for what life can dish out. But the best we can do is roll with it's punches. My friend Dennis has been doing just that...rolling with life's punches. And I'm sure some of those punches hurt badly. He's doing so much better now for anyone who has inquired. I can't wait to see him again! Kisses out to Dennis!

Judge-Mental !!!

My friend, designer "J. Bartholomew" has designed his first sports shirt. He's asked me to put it on my blog to get responses from other people. OK other people, let him know what you think of his design in the comments section below. He's anxiously awaiting to hear from you! J. Bartholomew thanks you in advance for you comments (good or bad).

The Ol' Gang

Above are some of my dearest friends from undergraduate school. To be more specific, the theater club we all belonged to. Sadly, it makes me feel older. We were all so young when we met. Just kids. Now we just act like them. Look at them - aren't they cute?